Fool Chapter 25

TWENTY-FIVETHE index SHALL BE A FOOLAlas, your humble fool is the King of France. Actu whollyy, France, Britain, Normandy, Belgium, Brittany, and Spain. Perhaps more, I havent seen Cordelia since breakfast. She can be a terror when left to her own devices, entirely she keeps the empire in wor world power order and I adore her, of course. (As has forever been the case.)Good Kent had his lands and title restored, and was also given the title Duke of Cornwall, and the attendant lands and properties. Hes retained the benighted beard and glamour given him by the witches, and seems to have convinced himself that he is younger and more vivacious than the multitude of years he carries on his back.Albany retained his title and lands and signed an oath of fealty to Cordelia and me, and I trust he entrust be true to it. Hes a decent, if dull chap, and without Goneril in his ear, his will be the way of virtue.Weve given Curan the title of Duke of Buckingham, and he acts as regent of Brita in when we are not on the islands. Edgar took his title as Earl of Gloucester and returned to his home where he buried his father in the walls of the castle temple reinforced to his many gods. Hes started his own family and will no doubt have many sons who will grow up to betray him or simply be dolts in the image of their father.Cordelia and I live in a number of palaces around the empire, traveling with an embarrassingly large entourage that includes Bubble and Squeak, as well as Shanker Mary and other loyal staff from the White Tower. I have a crashingly large throne, on which I hold court with Drool on one side (who has been given the title of princely Minister of Wank), and my goldbrick, Jeff, on the other. We hear cases of the local farmers and merchants, and I pronounce judgments, damages, and sentences. For a while I allowed monkey Jeff to pronounce sentences while I was off having lunch with the queen, giving him a little plaque with non-homogeneous penalties to which he could point, but that had to stop when I returned one afternoon from a protracted Cordelia bonking to find that the uptight little bloke had hanged the entire village of Beauvois for cheese violations. (Awkward, that, but the French understand. They are very drab about their cheese.) Most of the time justice can be satisfied with a bit of communicatory humiliation, name-calling, and pointed sarcasm, at which, it turns out, I excel, so I am viewed as a fair and just king and much be kip downd by my people, even the fucking French.We are at our palace in Gascony now, near northern Spain. Lovely, but very dry. I was just saying to froggy Queen Jeff to daytime (he and Queen Burgundy are visiting), Its lovely, Jeff, but bloody dry. Im English, I require dampness. I feel as if Im drying out and becoming all crackly as we speak.Its true, Cordelia said. Hes always gravitated toward the moist.Yes, well, darling, we shant speak of that in front of Jeff, shall we? Oh, look Drool has spr outed an erection. Lets ask him what hes cerebration about. Had his way with a knotted oak on the way here. A right spectacular tree-shagging it was, too. Knocked charge enough acorns to feed the village for a week. They wanted to have a special feast day in honor of the git declare him god of the tree-shag more fertility symbols there than you can move a stick at, innit?Cest la vie,47 said Jeff, in perfectly incomprehensible fucking French.Later, as I was holding audiences with the public, there entered the great hall three ancient, bent figures. The witches of Great Birnam Wood. I suppose Id always known theyd show up at some time or another. Drool ran and hid in the kitchen. Jeff jumped on my shoulder and screeched at them. (Jeff the monkey, not the queen.)A year has passed for witches three,And we are here to collect our fee, said Rosemary, the green, cattoed witch.Oh, for fucks sake, youre on with the rhyming again?A need was filled, a promise made,For service done we must be paid, the witches chanted in unison.Just stop the rhyming, said I. And those rags are entirely too heavy for this climate. Youll doctor a rash on your warts and carbuncles if youre not careful.Youve been made a king and enchanted your true love to be yours forevermore, fool. We only want what is our due, said Sage, the most warty of the three.Rightly so, rightly so, said I. only if Cordelia is not enchanted to love me. She is with me of her own free will.Balderdash, said Parsley, the tall witch. We gave you three puffballs for three sisters.Aye, but I used the third to enchant Edgar of Gloucester, so he would fall in love with a laundress at his castle named Emma. Lovely lass with smashing knockers. Shed been mistreated by the bastard chum salmon only seemed just.Still, the spell was used. We will have our payment, said Rosemary.Of course. I have more treasure than you crones could carry. halcyon? Silver? Jewels? But Cordelia doesnt know of all of your manipulations, nor th at the ghost was her mother, and she mustnt ever. If you agree, name your reward, Ive important kingly things to accomplish and my monkey is hungry. Name your price, crones.Spain, said the witches.Fuckstockings, said the puppet Jones.